Wayne's World Part Three

Dear Diary,
Bloody hell! Has it been almost 2 months since that amazing night in Moscow?! Unbelievable!

I’ve been wondering where I put you and I’ve finally found you at the bottom of my kitbag, which I forgot to unpack since that fateful night on the 21st of May.

You can’t blame me for forgetting with all the partying, but I am sorry that I put you in between Carvalho’s and Ronaldo’s underwear.

The morning after was a blur anyway and I just woke up in time to see the both of them leaving with two Russian birds. I tried to ask them what was going on, but I had a rubber ball in my mouth, which was surprising but not as surprising as discovering that I was handcuffed.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw some movement and Carlos Queiroz and Ramon Calderon stepped out of the bathroom in bath robes. Q was nice enough to remove the rubber ball, but laughed at me when I asked him about the handcuffs.

Ramon patted me on the head and said I was a good boy; the best he’d ever had and they both walked out of my room. He’s such a silly git - I don’t even play for Real Madrid!

Nani and Anderson were nice enough to uncuff me after Ronnie bumped into them in the corridor and gave them instructions to do so. I just wished they hadn’t gone for breakfast first, because Rio and Wes found me before they did and got thier tattoo artist friend to give me a tattoo on my arm. It looks quite awful, but the words are pure poetry and I hear it’s something from the Koran. Maybe I can impress that chick from the Man Utd forum with it. :-)
………….
After the celebrations, we joined up with the England squad, whch was a laugh. Hargo came up with the idea of slipping on to our arses whenever John passed us the ball. It was hilarious!

The only person who didn’t find it hilarious apart from the Chel$ki boys was Don Capello, he looked so angry that we all just pointed at Rio and said it was his idea and the poor guy had to fly out to Trinidad and Tobago because of that.
The following weeks were a blur and before I knew it, Colleen and I were tying the knot.

It was a perfect day and my only regret is that Rio and Wes couldn’t make it. They had been there the night before, but mysteriously didn’t attend the wedding

I caught them sneaking out of Colleen’s room the night before and was ready to kill them, but they told me they had been helping Colleen write a song for our wedding and begged me not to ruin the surprise.

I felt so ashamed. I can be so slow sometimes! What else would her guitar teachers be doing in her room on the eve of her wedding?! *smackshead* Hello, Wayne? Anybody home?!

Anyway, I’m writing this entry from a hotel room in Las Vegas while we’re on honeymoon.
Did you know that everything in America is bigger and better? I swear!

The Double Whopper with cheese is H-U-G-E and totally owns the burgers in England.

Sir Alex saw one of the pics of Colleen and me at the KFC and he wasn’t happy at all. He rang me up straight away and gave me a right ear full! Bloody geezer! He said, if I kept eating that stuff, I wouldn’t age gracefully and I should take care of myself like Ryan, Gazza and he have.

I asked him if he had looked in the mirror lately and while he was fumbling for words I told him that if Gary had aged a bit more gracefully, maybe he wouldn’t have frightened that poor Welsh lad at Carrington and he might have signed for us instead of ArseAnal.

(quite good eh? I came up with that all by myself!…..chuffed!).

I hung up and haven’t been taking his calls since. He can be quite persistent and annoying, so I did what Roonie told me he had done and just got my mobile provider to forward Fergie’s calls to Ramon Calderon.

That’s going to cost me, I know, and I already fear for my backside, but a man has got to take a stand and enough is enough. As long as he doesn’t make me wear the Shrek outfit while he does it, I’ll be ok.

I don’t quite know why Ronnie forwards his calls to Calderon, but he has a strange sense of humour, that Cristiano! A few weeks back, he hired a hacker to take over a Man Utd forum and deleted all the threads and banned people.
He can be quite evil.

Back to the present and I’m getting ready to got out to dinner with my sweetness. She’s so gorgeous and totally out of my league.

While we were at the pool just now, she handed me a cigarette and asked me to hold it while she tied up her hair. I then heard some clicking and when I looked up, I saw a bloody photographer sitting in a tree snapping away.

I was about to throw a rock at him, when Colleen stopped me and asked me not to be silly and told the photographer to get down. She then handed him a big wad of cash and told him that would be all.

She saw the utter bewilderment on my face and just flashed her angel smile and gave me a kiss.

Apparently, she had hired the photographer to take candid pictures of us for our wedding album and asked him to take them from weird positions, so he could “capture the essence of our love from all angles.”

I know……. I AM THE LUCKIEST SCOUSER ALIVE!!

;-)

Written by RedForceRising on ManUtd Talk Forums